Part 3 – From Anger to Kindness
Leader Guide
Anger is a basic human emotion which has been causing trouble since creation. We see it in our families, our workplaces, on the news, and we find it in the Bible! Adam and Eve’s son Cain was “furious” and murdered his brother. How do we control this physical reaction so that it does not become sin, and instead react in ways that honor God?
What you will need: A Bible or your Bible app, a notebook, pen, and highlighter. The verses highlighted below are linked so that you can easily access them during your study time.
Jump Start
Leader: This section is designed to get discussions started, examine God’s truth, and apply it to our week. Life Group leaders should not assume everyone in their group is a Christ follower. Because they are taking part in a Life Group, they must have some openness to knowing more, exploring. Pray for the Holy Spirit to work and let Him lead you as well.
1. Do you have a funny story about your anger getting you into trouble? Did you originally consider it “justified”?
Leader Note: Example of expensive salads with up-charge for “just barely enough” dressing; bad drivers; or a spouse whose idiosyncrasy makes you crazy might be fun! Don’t let anyone bash others!
2. Read James 1:19-20. What is the correct order, as per this verse? Do you tend to keep your reactions in the right sequence? Is it possible that once you become angry, you might be too slow to speak? What are some techniques you use for eliminating anger?
Leader Note: James says 1) listen first, 2) be slow to speak, and 3) even slower to become angry. To be clear, once you have listened and still become angry, you have two options: outburst/rage or withdrawal/pouting. Both are harmful. Being slow to speak means to be thoughtful and kind with your words; it does not mean always avoiding tough conversations. First, be sure that what you want to say should be said, then say it with love. Don’t stuff every emotion until you explode your anger out on anyone in your path. One technique, for example: Eliminate hurray! It leads to frustration (say on the highway, in a restaurant).
3. Read Ephesians 4:26, Psalm 4:4, and Genesis 4:6-7. Look at Ephesians 4:26 and consider how the other verses reinforce it. Do you think the Psalm verse contradicts it? Why or why not? What happened to Cain?
Leader Note: There are times when in my marriage (CM) when we choose to table a topic until another time. We may be a bit hurt and need to cool down (slow to speak) before we discuss further and say hurtful things. So, tabling it is not the same as going to bed furious, angry, not speaking, and facing opposite directions. Anger is a universal temptation which can lead to sin, but you can decide what to do with your anger! We see it in the very first family with Adam and Eve’s sons. God tenderly warned Cain: you have a choice, but if you don’t control your anger, it will become sin. In Cain’s case, his anger overcame him, so he plotted and murdered his brother Abel.
4. Read Ephesians 4:27. Have you ever experienced “a foothold” that was hard to shake? Is there an event or action against you that you replay repeatedly in your mind? What are some ways to move on from that sense of hurt and bitterness? How is “move on” offensive? How is it also helpful?
Leader Note: We find it hard to “forgive and forget” betrayal, abuse, humiliation, or fraud. We can often see this in a divorce situation, an inheritance situation, or in a business partnership. In fact, our human minds cannot forget. Yet we can choose not to dwell on the hurt and take captive every thought (2 Corinthians 10:5). You can choose not to dwell on the incident and replay it continually in your mind. You can try to understand and find empathy for the “villain” in your story. With God’s help, we can forgive and be released from the captivity of that hurt and anger. If we do not, a "root of bitterness” grows up (Hebrews 12:14-15), which ruins our lives and the lives of many others because we choose not to forgive and pursue peace. Make it a habit to forgive. If anger is instantaneous, trying to understand and forgive should be rapidly on its heels. Re: the “move on” comment: “Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34) mostly deals with worrying about tomorrow. However, it also helps in dealing with the past. Let today’s problems be today’s problems!
5. Read Ephesians 4:28-29, 31-32. Make a list of the “do and don’t” actions and attitudes you find in these verses. Why would God ask you to replace something harmful or sinful with healthy actions?
Leader Note: Stealing > hard work, honest earning, PLUS generosity. Think Zacchaeus repaying for his dishonesty (Luke 19:1-10). Hurtful language > compassionate, encouraging words. Anger and evil behaviors > kind, forgiving, Christ-like behavior. Jesus said if you don’t replace and change, the evil comes back seven-fold (Matthew 12:43-45). Paul says in this same chapter of Ephesians, “Put off your old self...and put on the new” (Ephesians 4:22-24).
6. Final Thought: Where are your expectations causing disappointment that leads to anger? Or would you share a time from your past when your expectations led to conflict and even outbursts? Would you be willing to pray daily (maybe hourly!) for the Spirit to help you have the heart of a servant? Would you choose to be prepared for interruptions? Do you know the one Person who can meet your needs and expectations?
Leader Note: This is a great place to discuss the plan of salvation.
Deeper
Leader: This section is designed for further use in your Life Group or for personal study. These can also be used as discussion points and ways to stay connected with your group throughout the week. Encourage your group to take time daily to walk through these questions.
In the Bible, we find many verses reminding us to watch our mouths. Anger often is most visible in our words: how we yell at our families, the curse words we say, or the gossip and slander we use as a weapon against our perceived enemies. Let’s deal with this aspect of controlling our anger.
7. Look at the verses below and jot down the “what not to do” advice given.
Ecclesiastes 5:2 (Leader’s Note: don’t speak before you think; speak less)
Proverbs 26:22 (Leader’s Note: don’t gossip)
Proverbs 26:28 (Leader’s Note: don’t lie or flatter)
Proverbs 30:32 (Leader’s Note: don't talk about yourself so much)
Ephesians 4:29a (Leader’s Note: don't use corrupt, harmful, nasty, or crass talk)
8. We also find advice on choosing to “speak life” with our words. What should we be doing with our mouths and word choices?
Proverbs 31:26 (Leader’s Note: be kind)
Colossians 3:16 (Leader’s Note: let “the word of Christ” be in you! teach, encourage, sing)
1 Thessalonians 5:11 (Leader’s Note: encourage, build up)
Ephesians 4:15 (Leader’s Note: be both truthful AND loving)
Ephesians 4:29b (Leader’s Note: build up, be appropriate for the occasion, be gracious)
9. In which areas do you feel you could most improve? Why? What helpful, practical changes could you implement in each area? How could making these changes be helpful to you and those around you?