CONFRONTING ANGER
Kendra Intihar
Today's Scripture: “...and give no opportunity to the devil.” Ephesians 4:27, ESV
Theme: Don’t let anger control you. If you do, you’re inviting an attack.
HOW WE RESPOND
“Hello, my name is Kendra, and I’m non-confrontational.”
When I was early in my career, one of my professional mentors said something to me that I’ve never forgotten: “Confrontation is good where growth is the goal.” I remember that day. I remember where we were, and I remember the tiny shift in my perception of the word “confrontation.” That was the day I began learning that confrontation didn’t have to be bad. Confrontation could be good...if my motives were right. This had never occurred to me before. In my 20-something mind, I had assumed that confrontation was the unfortunate result of an inability to properly suppress anger or disappointment.
Imagine my surprise to learn that negative emotions aren’t meant to be suppressed but dealt with. My poor relationship with negative emotions meant that when anger welled up in me, I felt an internal rage that I was in the habit of squashing. I would stew. I would shut down. I would fall silent. Perhaps you can relate. Perhaps anger has what seems like an opposite effect on you. Some people become loud and aggressive, exploding upon whomever about whatever happens to be in the path of their temper. They leave a trail of emotional shrapnel in their wake.
Turns out, neither of these ways of “dealing” with anger are actually God’s best for us.
“WHY ARE YOU FURIOUS?”
Scripture gives us many unfortunate examples of the damage anger can do. In the story of Cain and Abel, the Bible says that Cain was “furious” (Genesis 4:5) when the Lord looked favorably upon Abel’s offering, but “had no regard” for Cain’s offering. We are not told why God looked on Cain’s offering unfavorably. Some speculate that Cain may not have brought the “first fruits” of his crop, but the text doesn’t say that. Scripture just says that God liked Abel’s offering more.
The next part of the text is something we don’t often pay attention to, choosing instead to skip right to the first recorded murder in history, but let’s not skip the God-moment! God shows up for Cain in a tender exchange, saying, “Why are you furious? And why do you look despondent? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it” (Genesis 4:6-7, CSV).
Notice that God didn’t say, “If you bring the right offering, will you not be accepted?” We often read into the text that God must be referring to bringing the correct kind of sacrifice, but we know from God’s unchanging and unchangeable nature that our offerings aren’t what God desires (Psalm 40:6). Instead of condemning Cain, God comes in and says, “Why are you letting this get you down? Your love and acceptance do not hinge on your sacrifice. You just need to move on and do the next right thing” (paraphrase). Plus, God gives a gentle warning of the dangers of disregarding His loving advice.
But as we all know, Cain did not do the next right thing. Cain saw his brother as direct competition for the admiration of God. Fear of rejection, shame, guilt, and frustration overshadowed Cain’s good judgment, and God’s warning that the sin “crouching at his door” would infect him if he didn’t “rule over it” came to pass. Fear is the antithesis of trust, leading to anger and uncontrollable emotions. Cain chose to lean into his fear instead of trusting God with his big emotions and employing productive, self-controlled confrontation, even conversation, with God.
DEALING WITH ANGER
Anger happens. When we feel that we’ve lost control of an outcome or that we’ve been deliberately wronged, anger is our natural human response. But Scripture tells us that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit in the life of a believer. When we’ve been wronged, Jesus tells us to turn the other cheek. When we feel that we’re not in control, Scripture tells us that God is in control. When we are tense or stressed, the Lord tells us to cast all our cares upon Him because He cares for us!
Sin’s “desire” is for us, but we must rule over it. Perhaps you feel anxiety, fear, insecurity, or other oppressive thoughts that can lead to anger. No one can “positive thought” you out of those feelings, but when they strike, we have a tool in our toolkit that can help us deal with anger: Trust in God. Trust that God loves you just as much right now as He always has. Trust that God knows about that outcome you can’t control, and He can work it for good. Trust that God sees where you’ve been wronged, and He hears your cries for help. He is our Rescuer. He is our Defender. He can help us deal with our anger so that we don’t let sin overtake us.
LIFELONG LEARNING
It’s been more than 20 years since my mentor told me that “confrontation is good where growth is the goal.” Yet here I am, in my 40s, still working on the lifelong journey toward applying the Word of God in healthy confrontation. Cain’s story teaches us that whether we’re angry with ourselves, angry with someone else, or angry with God, God is tenderly beseeching us to refuse to let anger get in the way of who He has created us to be. He continues to call us to be like Jesus: wise, strong, but gentle, meek, controlled.
Make it Personal: We don’t have to be like Cain. We can choose the path Cain was too fearful to choose. In Christ, we have been given the gifts of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Like Cain, YOU are beloved of God, no matter what you have to offer Him. Will you make the next right decision? Whether you are prone to “stewing” or to emotional outbursts (or both!), will you give God your trust so that He can deal with your anger?
Pray: Lord, I admit that I hate situations I can’t control. Sometimes, I let fear, shame, guilt, and frustration get in the way of remembering that You will work every situation for my good – even when I can’t see it yet. Show me the next right step so that sin won’t overtake me. Amen.
Read: Galatians 5:22-23; Romans 12:17-21; James 1:19-20
Weekly Memory Verse: "Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32, NLT