RECONCILIATION GOD’S WAY
Susan Murray
Today’s Scripture: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” Matthew 18:15, ESV
Theme: Grievances can be difficult to handle with a clear head; keep it private and go directly to the offender.
OFFENDED?
First, let me say that there are many little offenses that can be overlooked. Proverbs 19:11 says, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense” (ESV). But some are more hurtful and damaging and need to be addressed, not just for our sake but for the sake of the offender and the relationship.
ONE-ON-ONE
Our verse today is a straightforward, simple command – go to the offender first, alone with a desire for reconciliation. Yet, our tendency is often not to do that. Why do we like to go tell others first? Truthfully, it’s just a lot easier. Going to the offender feels risky and messy because we can’t control how they will respond. Gossip is an attempt to control the narrative, presenting ourselves as innocent and the offender as evil. We would rather look for allies to bolster our position. We prefer this self-righteous posture over humility. Telling others can be a way of making the offender pay (revenge) by damaging their reputation. We can even disguise our complaint as a prayer request.
When we do address them privately, we can sometimes compound the conflict by returning hurt for hurt, sinning in our anger (Ephesians 4:26) with an unforgiving attitude. Instead, talking about the facts followed by how you feel can bring truth to light if we are humble and desire reconciliation and not retaliation. Using statements like, “When you do _______, I feel _______,” are helpful instead of calling the offender names or using phrases like, “You always...” or “You never...”. For example, instead of yelling at my husband that he is a bad driver, I can say, “When you drive fast and so close to the car in front, I feel unsafe.” Many times, allowing the other person to hear our feelings can be the first step to instigate change. If he denies the lack of safety, I can set a boundary like not getting in the car with him but driving myself next time. The loss can invite, but not guarantee, repentance and changed behavior.
TWO OR MORE
If it is serious enough and the offender does not repent causing ongoing conflict, we can then invite two or three wise impartial believers who know the facts (Matthew 18:16), again inviting the offender to repent, still hoping for reconciliation. Some offensives cause great harm and can even be criminal, such as abuse. The church should not ignore this (Matthew 18:17). Take steps to find safety and support involving a few others for encouragement. You will need to take the hard step of setting difficulty boundaries and even getting law enforcement involved if necessary.
PURPOSE
Jesus takes our horizontal relationships with each other just as seriously as He does our vertical relationship with Him (Matthew 5:23-24). Every progressive step is meant to offer forgiveness with a gentle yet firm invitation to repent, ushering in the potential of reconciliation. This is the purpose of the Gospel. I have experienced and seen relationships get even closer after an offense if the Gospel is embraced. In fact, not desiring to do the work required to repair relationships--whether we are the offender or the one offended--can affect our connection to and walk with God (Matthew 5:22; Mark 11:25-26).
Make It Personal: Are you holding a grudge right now? Is it small enough that you can just let grace cover over it? If not, are you willing to go and talk with the other person? If not, why not? How are you doing with gossip? Is it time to ask for help? Consider the Peacemakers program at The Cove. Above all, ponder this truth: Jesus came to reconcile you as a sinner to a holy God. To do that, He had to lose His relationship with His Father while on the cross (2 Corinthians 5:18-19; Colossians 1:19-22). Our reconciliation with God makes it possible for us to pursue our offenders in truth and grace.
Pray: Jesus, You desired reconciliation with me so much that You did what had to be done for it to even be possible. Forgive me for my pride and the gossip that has come from it. Give me a heart of humility, helping me to approach those who have offended me with truth and grace with that same desire to reconcile. Amen.
Read: Matthew 18:15-18; Matthew 5:22-24; 2 Corinthians 5:17-20; Colossians 1:19-23; Romans 12:17-19; Galatians 6:1
Weekly Memory Verse: “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.” Galatians 6:1, ESV